Louis J. Alloro, M.Ed., MAPP

“Boy, it went fast,” seems to be the sentiment of summer’s end. But is it really over? According to the calendar, we have 20 more days so my vote is strongly in favor of not seeing it as over, just soon to be in transition. So what should we do? Savor now! [Imagine Mr. Costanza’s Seinfeld voice inserted here.]

A view from Block Island, RI

I am having (notice present tense) an excellent summer. Spent most of August away from home on a beach tour that started (and will end this weekend) in the Hamptons, included a stay on the tip of Cape Cod (Provincetown) and a week on Block Island, Rhode Island. I’m so grateful for wonderful friends with invitations that include beds at places that are really God’s country: pristine beaches, uninhabited lands, “tea” parties! I’m also so grateful to have work that I can do from anywhere. Sticking my feet over the dock in Provincetown while taking coaching calls was really an amazing moment of realization in my life.

But it wasn’t all Planter’s Punches and lobster rolls. One of the most incredible experiences of my summer, and has been for almost a decade, is the week I spend as a volunteer counselor at Camp Happy Times, a sleep-away experience for kids (ages 5-18) who have or have had cancer. I get bunked with roughly ten 11- and 12- year old boys, 3 other counselors, and a boatload of fun. We stay at a posh facility that has two lakes, indoor plumbing, and even a rock-climbing wall. Having never gone to sleep away camp, this week is a real treat for me. And the kids: they’re so freaking inspiring. Five-years old and survivors of cancer: amazing examples of resilience, curiosity, and love.

My bunk at camp

This year I was up against a rare challenge at camp: an eleven-year old boy who was severely homesick. It was his first time away from his parents, who were recently divorced. I tried to console him with my words, even by teaching him a few cognitive- behavioral strategies. “How you think is causing how you feel,” I’d tell him. “You have to focus your attention on the parts of camp you do like: riding around on a golf course and drinking (a small amount of) coffee in the morning were among his favorites (he loved breaking the rules!) But then, the rush of sadness and anxiety was back, and in hysterics he said, “But Louis, I can’t think good thoughts. I’m trying, but I can’t.”

My heart went out to the kid and coupled with a bit of tough love (hey, I’m human and it’s often my default mode), he stayed the entire week. But what I didn’t expect was for my own mind-chatter to escalate as it did. At times, I found it hard to be present to camp fun because I was thinking, “You should be home working. You have bills to pay. Who are you to travel for an entire month?”

Who am I? I am Louis Alloro. I am a hard worker. I am a good guy. I deserve to travel for an entire month *if I want to.* It was after all my springtime vision (“Wouldn’t it be great if…”) turned summertime reality. I am grateful.

Interestingly, I came home to a slew of checks in my mailbox. Would you believe I made more money this month than last?

I’m looking forward to Labor Day, after which I will get back to a regular routine. I know that is as good for my well-being as is beaching for a month. Balance, harmony. Remember my M.O.: you can have it all, so long as you’re clear on what all is.

Are you clear?

Savoring now,

Louis Alloro, M.Ed., MAPP
Change-Agent, Coach, Friend
Enabling Positive Evolution
www.coachlouis.com {new website coming this fall}

PS – A FREE online webinar (from your computer!), Tuesday, September 14 7 pm “How Positive Psychology Can Boost Your Business (AND improve your quality of life!) Sign up here: http://bit.ly/d7VSIb

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. –Albert Einstein

People are talking about Inception, a new film by Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight, Memento) which Warner Brothers describes as a “contemporary sci-fi actioner set within the architecture of the mind.”
I’ve been describing the film as a mind trip, and since seeing it days ago, I’ve wondered for myself the questions that film poses: What’s really real? What’s created as an illusion of my subconscious
mind? Or, better yet, what’s co-created in our collective (un)consciousnesses?

The film explores the phenomenon of ideas – where do they start? How are they influenced? Can we extract ideas from each other, and when we do, to whom do they belong? Can we “incept” ideas by influencing people to think what we want them to think? The film shows how these powers can be used for good as well as evil.

When I give talks on positive psychology, I usually start by saying, “it’s about feeling good and it’s way more than just thinking positively.” Like most of my colleagues, I underscore the science and ask, “Who ‘don’t’ want increased well-being, happiness, and success – especially now that we have evidenced-based ways of increasing these capacities?

Then, I often reference Albert Einstein, one of the most eminent scientists of our(ish) times, a man who devised the theory of relativity – the father of modern physics, the study of time-space reality, which the film takes on quite poignantly.

But when I think about Einstein, I wouldn’t necessarily expect him to have said this:

There are two ways you can look at the world: One as if nothing were a miracle, the other as if everything were a miracle.

Here, Einstein suggests something quite important, that the way we see – how we think – is always our choice.

Last week on my blog, I wrote about some of the “a ha” moments in my life, which includes losing my brother to suicide. He was 19; I was 12. However, I remember where I was standing that afternoon, on the edge of our driveway in Harrington Park, NJ, just as the sun was setting, when the thought came through my head: “There is learning in this for all of us; there will be transcendence and meaning.” I have lived from that place since, turning helpless depression into hopeful optimism, regaining my locus of control.

As Seligman argues in his research on explanatory style, pessimistic people look at good things that happen to them as luck and optimistic people look at those same events as opportunities they themselves had influence in creating. Just as Einstein says, how we choose to think (miracles or none?) is our choice. What story do you tell?

When we are not intentional in our thinking, life brings us things from our dark subconscious-whether we consciously want it or not. Jonathan Haidt would say our elephants take over. When we don’t challenge ourselves on our own or take our own risks, life brings its own stretch goals to us. Conscious connection to what we’re creating and positive thoughts around that connection are key in keeping it real. One of the scenes in the movie even says: it is positive emotion that makes a dream real.

Inception bounces between dream and reality in a way that reminds me of schizophrenia, a mental illness classified in the DSM, characterized by a disintegration of the process of thinking, of contact with reality, and of emotional responsiveness.

I live in New York city and see schizophrenic people talking to themselves all the time (no they are not on their wireless Bluetooth devices!). I always wonder, to what degree are we all a little schizophrenic? A little anxious? A little depressed at times?

Psychology is the study of how we think and behave. What our positive brand adds is a dimension of feeling – that is, how we think influences how we feel which effects how we (inter)act. It does not discount negative emotion, but certainly questions where we choose to sit (or start): in the positive story of what happened / what can happen – or the negative? We know we are biased.

Russ Ackoff, the late thought leader on systems thinking shows that more than 80% of the time, a problem in a system is not solved in the same place it was created. Inception raises the idea that perhaps we’re trying to change things in the wrong dimension – we can change the past, the future, and the present by changing the story we choose to tell ourselves about what’s real: where do we focus our attention?

For me, Inception ends with as many questions it starts with, but I love that: Challenge my thinking! Let us our strength of curiosity to build off what we collectively know to be true and enable our own positive evolution. While it’s an inside job, individual progress contributes to the sum of our parts, always leading to collective good. But remember what Einstein also says:

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

This article was first published on Positive Psychology News Daily.

circa 1980

Picture it: 1978, Pascack Valley Hospital, Westwood, NJ - I was born an unexpected twin, breech, the youngest of four children. “Doctor you have another baby in there,” the nurse said as she was cleaning up after Christine was born. “WHAT?!??! my parents screamed.”

I grew up in the suburbs of NYC (not far from the Housewives of NJ), overweight and pseudo-overachieving.

I lost my brother Todd to suicide when I was 12. He was 19. Awful, tragic, sad. But I remember where I was standing that day of his death, at the edge of our driveway, just as the sun was setting when the very thought came through my 12-year old brain: “There is meaning in this, and learning. We’ll probably never know exactly why, but this is okay.” I have framed the world this way ever since.

I “played school” in my basement until I was 15. I wanted to be a teacher ever since I could remember wanting to be anything.

I joined the marching band in ninth grade instead of playing soccer, a tough decision, but I thought I’d fit in better with the band geeks. I ended up being Drum Major my senior year. The quote in my high school yearbook read something like, “Everyone thinks he understands me but really no one really knows who I am.”

I came out of the closet at age 18, the summer between high school and college, because of extenuating circumstances in a public park. Eek!

I met my first boyfriend, Chris, the day after coming out. I was beginning to understand the meaning of synchronicity. We were together for two years.

I enrolled at Boston College, which I found too large and too stuffy for my liking, so transferred to Muhlenberg College, a small liberal arts school in Allentown, PA after one semester. Chris went to Muhlenberg. While he was a huge reason I transferred, he is not the reason I loved it so. (We broke up a year after my arrival.)

I graduated summa cum laude, with an English degree (which I was always good at, but never really my passion) and a certification to teach grades 7-12.

Finally, a teacher! I taught high school English for only one year at an incredible school district in Bucks County, PA.

I quit that amazing job at the end of the year, because I was dismayed by the culture of schools. While I had a good experience, I saw a very broken educational system. I thought my experience as a lonely teenager was my own, but what I found was that many people in schools-students, parents, and teachers alike-don’t feel good about who they are. I wanted to be part of the solution, but didn’t know how.

I moved to New York in August of 2001 and tried to get a job in corporate training & development. The recession had hit and no one was hiring. So, I sold technology solutions for a boutique firm starting one month after 911, when no one was buying technology, either. From hindsight, it was a great time to learn how to sell.

Crossroads can be a beautiful thing.

Disenchanted with corporate hoopla, I started working for my family basement waterproofing business after my father had a near death experience due to surgical complications. I figured, if I could sell technology, I could sell drainage. Neither very exciting to me.

But working with my dad afforded me the opportunity to do lots of traveling. For one year, I was away every month: London, St. Barths, Costa Rica, California. I didn’t know the way to San Jose, but found it!

At 25, I had a quarter-life crisis. Really. What was I to do in the world? What is my calling? I believed it was possible to find it, but little did I know, it would eventually find me.

My sisters, Lisa and Christine, went to see a medium/channeler to find information about my brother’s death. At the time, I wasn’t into it (I am now). That very day I was scheduled to go to Columbia for a graduate school open-house. It was one of those items you put on your calendar well in advance, that sound like a good idea, but as it approached the thought of going “all the way uptown” was daunting. It was raining that day to boot. But according to my sisters that same afternoon, Todd’s message for me through the medium was very clear: “Tell Louis he’s on the right path, he just needs to go back to school.”

So, I did. I earned a Masters in the Foundations of Education from Montclair State University. My thesis was on how students find their voice, or form positive concepts of self.

When I was nearing finish with that program, my mentor at Montclair advised me to apply to doctoral programs, to which, without any other real desires lurking, I agreed. The day after I finished my last application (a grueling process), I bought the New York Times and read an article that changed my life: Happiness 101, which introduced me to Positive Psychology. I knew *immediately* this was the solution to positive change for schools, families, communities, and beyond. I knew this was it. I felt it in my body.

I applied to the then-only program in Positive Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, where I proceeded to earn a second Masters, studying with the founders of this burgeoning field. It was truly the most amazing learning experience of my life – debating theories with the theorists and sharing ideas for positive change with an international cadre of colleagues that became dear friends. We became the first one hundred people in the world to earn a Masters degree in Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP), the science of well-being, success, and happiness.

It was during this program that I experienced coaching for the first time. Before Penn, I thought life coaching was hooey, but during the MAPP program, I met many other life and executive coaches. I even got my own coach. And literally, my dreams started coming true. I decided, then, to become a coach – a natural progression for me in my life.

I moved back to New York, where I started my own business, dedicated to helping individuals and organizations create positive change. I love working with individuals. Equally inspiring is the work I do in organizations as a trainer and facilitator – where I get to coach an entire system towards progress and change. I use the framework I developed for my thesis at Penn, Social-Emotional Leadership: the idea that our networks already have Social-Emotional Leaders that share the vision for positive growth and evolution. Once they’re found and leveraged, we have greater sustainability behind creating the change we’re all after. How we think affects how we feel, which influences how we act - and *interact*.

So what? I am living my dream and I want the same for you. I will never claim to have all the answers - just the questions and some of the (evidenced-based) tools to help you uncover what you already know, your own innate wisdom and/or your organizations inherent strength. The time is now. It always is.

Ultimately, my vision is to facilitate positive growth processes for communities, where Social-Emotional Leaders are leveraged across a geographic area, taught to apply some of the principles of Positive Psychology in their own lives, and then asked, how best can we bring these ideas and tools back to the community - reaching families, businesses, politicians, media, and more, thereby creating systemic growth in all areas of society.

I continue to work on my own growth, as well. I am not exempt. Next stop: love.

And it is with much love and gratitude that I share my story with you.

What’s your story, your moments that matter? What’s your vision?

Rocco always has to sniff for just the right spot.

It’s all about animal instinct. My one-year old dog, Rocco, has been reminding me of this lately. When I hear him bark at a foreign noise in the stairwell – or when he has to pee atop another dog’s urine, as if to signify, “I am here, I am best.”

It reminds me of bullies, those who piss on other people. Bullies are animals. Animals are not always bullies (Rocco is sweet, just like his dad). Bullies exist not just on the playgrounds, but in the workplace too. Bullies prey. They cause physical and emotional harm. Essentially, it makes them feel good to make others feel bad, violating universal codes of moral ethics - the golden rule.

The tendency to bully, though, may not be so far from our evolutionary reality: survival of the fittest. Me vs. you. Me better than you. Me piss on you.

The neuroscience of this is cool too: at every moment (and there are 20,000 moments in each day) we are presented with either an opportunity OR a threat. Choosing opportunities releases neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin (stuff that makes us feel good-and move towards other people) and the other releases cortisol, which makes us defensive, on guard, and even withdrawn. Historically, this made evolutionarily sense: being on guard meant that we had heightened senses, preparing us for battle.

But today the game is different; battles be gone. It’s no longer a zero-sum game (me +1 and you -1 = 0). Instead, it’s best when I win AND you win, simultaneously – a non-zero sum game. This is when life really becomes worth living. This is where meaning is made, when serotonin is released, the best of all neurotransmitters.

I have had my fair share of bullies in life, especially as a youngster: fat and feminine, I was an easy target. I didn’t play sports (I played school in my basement, instead.). I didn’t date girls (I became their best friend.).

Thank you, Bullies - for teaching me about life.

I knew I was different, BUT this type of thinking (“I am not like most other boys or like what most other boys should be like”) put me at a distance between those very boys - a distance I fully own as a result of choosing that “I am different, I am not good enough” mindset. What I’m saying is that these thoughts created the distance even more so than the bullies did. On some level, I allowed it - I created it - with my very thoughts (which I choose).

The good news is today I choose a different mindset and a different creation. I also choose to recognize that at times I, in my own ways, do my own bullying: when I tell dry jokes, when I poke into the realm of generalizations (i.e. “All Texans are . . . “) or judgment (“That woman with the screaming baby on the subway . . .”).

Yes, we are that powerful. Even the thoughts that sit only in our own heads (on the subway) create vibrations that have consequences that ultimately work their way back to us. Judging others (verbally or internally) creates waves that bring that judgment back full circle on some sort of cosmic tab that only the universe can fully tally.

So in the spirit of goodness, I choose good thoughts: I am creative, resourceful, and whole. Bullies, then, naturally stay away from me, and I connect with people who bring me more and infinite possibility. Life becomes easy and effortless. This, my friends, is how it works.

So, remember: we need to help each other feel good. Keep in mind “win-win.” Hive-creatures, like bees. My strengths + your strengths = miracles, baby. Really.

Which thoughts are you choosing? What miracles are you creating?

If you can just see as I see, feel as I feel, you’ll know: I’m just as f-ed up as all y’all. Really.

The voices in my head are loud lately. Really loud. Getting in the way. It amazes me how neurobiological this stuff is: engrained in our DNA.

Me and Christine blowing out our candles.

Last week was my birthday. 32. Woo hoo! Traditionally, my twin sister Christine and I have a joint party with her friends and mine. We call it “Twins and the City.” In one form or another, we’ve been doing this party for the past eight years and it’s been successful. But each year, with weeks leading up to the party, a sense of fear comes over me as I think, ” What if no one shows up? What if I have no friends?”

The reality is furthest from the truth. I have lots of friends. There were over 60 people at our birthday party - and hundreds of greetings on Facebook and via phone that contributed to my having the best birthday yet.  But still, each year the wonderment arises: What if no one loves me? What if I’m not good enough?

It’s as if the 10-year old Louis, alone on the playground, is still part of me today, all these years later. Inauthentic, because he’s afraid to look sad. And he is. Little Louis is scared, lonely, and afraid. But transcendence is up to me. MY decision. What will I learn from him? How can I grow?

This curiosity stems from an innate quest I have for self-awareness. It’s the reason I have every self-help book on my shelves. It’s the reason I have a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology.

This self-awareness is the ultimate process: we are never really done evolving, growing, learning, changing. It’s the essence of the concept of evolution, which I inherently know is true about all species: they come, they go. We come, we go. Science shows this, but *I* know this and I want to stay.

The process of becoming a better me starts with my decision to take that road more (less?) traveled, and continues with some interventions we have from Positive Psychology - a real field of rigorous research and science about happiness.

Positive Psychology interventions (a fancy word for activities or ‘things to do’) help us focus on what’s good. It’s important we start with what’s good, or positive, and go from there, because positive things generate positive emotions (joy, love, happiness) and positive emotions open us up to more learning and more growing. There’s research to show this.

Essentially, these activities help us shift the way the neurons fire in our brains, with limited real estate to house what we choose to think.  The brain is the most amazing and intricate parts of who we are. “My second favorite organ,” as Woody Allen says. Shifting the way we think takes hard work; FMRI studies of the brain show that neural pathways are so engrained in who we are. Psychological research shows that these pathways, or patterns in the way we think, are getting in the way of how we experience life and how life experiences us.

Shifting the way I think is difficult for me, especially around my birthday, because I remember what it was like to stand alone on the playground, to feel alone - you know, that feeling of “not being good enough.” I can embody it even now as I write this post. It’s a sinking feeling in my gut - a deflation - a sadness - a loneliness; a fear, really, that is falsified when I find evidence to suggest otherwise, i.e., my reality.

But I know that I choose my reality and I’m grateful to be conscious of these voices, because with this knowledge comes the will to change them. What I do with this consciousness, with this knowledge, is up to me. How I proceed: how I learn from this knowledge is a choice I have about HOW and WHAT I think. It takes intentional effort.

My choices  (1) to ruminate in pity (Woe is me; why don’t I feel different in my life) OR (2) to feel confident that I am changing, growing, and evolving. I am not who I was as a ten year old boy. Different, better, more wisdom, love, integrity . . .

And with this knowledge, forward is the *only* way to go. It’s all about right now and what’s next.

So, next year, when Christine asks what I want to do for our birthday, I’ll choose to remember all of the great energy and love that was in the room this year. In positive psychology, we call this savoring. Savoring involves mindfulness.

Mindfulness is not easy; we need each other to help see what’s real. Almost ten years ago I was in a bar, closing myself off, and my friend Brian said to me, “Louis I’m sick of you not meeting anyone. You’re not the fat little boy anymore.” He then pushed me into Billy, forcing me to meet someone who was to become one of my best friends in the whole world.

Opening ourselves up is a conscious decision we all have. Not always an easy one - - - and sometimes we need to be pushed into it - - - so here you go - - - ready? - - -

Pushing,
Opening,
Loving,

Louis

One of my favorite quotes: “The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.” (Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence)

I’ve been working with the Governor’s Committee on Scholastic Achievement to give talks around New York to high school and college students - giving them nuggets of positive psychology that could help change the course of their lives.

The best part of these programs is that they not only involve the young adults, many of whom come from tough neighborhoods, but also include their adult mentors at high power organizations like JP Morgan Chase and the Boston Consulting Group. There’s something about the diversity of these groups that is just magical - and there’s something about the power of positive psychology that is simply universal. It’s a message that resonates with everyone, all ages and backgrounds. For these reasons, I share with you my message:

============

I am going to ask you to think differently today - to be open to thinking differently. This is what Positive Psychology is all about. [We go around the room and I ask them to introduce themselves by identifying a recent win and then we talk about how it feels to share and receive wins.]

This is my assumption: We are ALL winners who can have it ALL, so long as we’re clear on what ALL is. Sound good?

Who am I? - I help people live the life they love and love the life they live.

Is that cheesy? [Most say no.]

You know what is cheesy? Geometry.

[They laugh. Except during one of the talks, I unknowingly had a geometry teacher in the room. He said, “You mean to tell me I could have been a baseball player for the New York Yankees? I said, “Sure, but how’s your skill, buddy?” as I pretended to swing a bat. They laughed again and got my point.]

So, what’s good about math? Let’s focus on what’s good.

Who loves math? [Very few kids say they do.]
Okay, who’s good at math? [Some say they are.]
There’s a difference between being good at something and loving something.

I tell them my story - teaching high school English right out of college. I had always wanted to be a teacher growing up. I chose English because I was good at it; I had teachers in high school that encouraged my ability. This was the reason I studied English in college.

BUT I wasn’t passionate about English. So, I wasn’t really in it to win it as an English teacher. This Influenced how I showed up - how I was engaged - why I was disengaged.

Imagine 66% of the people in this building are disengaged with what they do.

66% of people are disengaged with what they do in the world, with how they spend their time. This is a staggering statistic. [In most of these sessions, we’re sitting in NYC boardrooms, where it’s easy to find a skyscraper out the window. I pick a building for us to focus on, and we find where 66% lies by counting windows or panels.]

How do those people show up in the world when they leave that skyscraper? What kind of energy do they put forth when we pass them on the street? [A nice conversation ensues here and a realization that it is our responsibility to put forth good energy in the universe.]

I tell you all of this because - it’s important to know:

What sparks YOU?
What are YOU curious about?
What does YOUR intuition say?
How are YOU being led?

Successful people think differently. They believe they can have it all - because they can see it, feel it taste it. They know that what they THINK about, they BRING about.

What the science says: happy people are successful people - they live longer, have better relationships, make more money (although money doesn’t buy happiness, conscious decisions do).

You know what it feels like to go to the gym after not going for awhile? Hard…but then you get into a groove and it feels soooooo good. It feels good to feel good.

I’m encouraging you to do some psychological training, to build your endurance which will give you more of what you want in life. This will feel good too. Start by identifying three wins each night before bed. Be an investigator: see what happens when you shift your attention on what’s already good. More of it will come your way.

And remember: You’re more smart and creative and resourceful and whole than the world may have you believe sometimes.

An excellent review of my graduate program at Penn. I’m happy to report I am one of the first hundred people in the world to have this degree!

http://www.upenn.edu/gazette/0510/feature4_1.html

I’ve wanting to order a new Penn sweatshirt for quite sometime. The one (and only) that I own is getting a little ratty, like it may have been washed one too many times. The tassels are worn and even that little, plastic guard has come off. It’s time.

But although I’ve been thinking about getting a new Penn sweatshirt for quite sometime, I haven’t done it, even with a strong intuition that it will bring me joy on some level. Every time I grab for the old sweatshirt I remember, “Oh yea, I want to look online at the Penn store to see what they have available.” It couldn’t be easier, yet still no action.

These things - these ideas - these wants, as small as sweatshirts and as big as career changes - fester in our minds, even when we are not really thinking about it. They remain in the “unanswered” category, occupying limited real estate. They get in the way.

We all have sweatshirts.

* What’s getting in the way of you living a full and happy life? *

Let it be just as easy as this: making the choice to be happy. Yes, choosing what you want, which requires knowing what you want, which requires having an open enough mind and heart to see what’s rightfully yours. This type of clarity comes from small bits of intuitive knowing that the Universe (or God, or a power greater than ourselves) gives us when we respond in kind; when we listen and act. For me, this intuitive wisdom comes with an embodied feeling of awe and excitement I get - when the goose bumps get raised and I think, “Yes, this is what it’s all about.”

* Know what I mean? *

So, why don’t I just buy the sweatshirt? I can come up with tons of reasons why, but at the end of the day, the longer I go not listening to my intuition, the harder it becomes to source natural, positive energy. A great paradox, indeed.

Time to go buy a sweatshirt . . .

With great expectations of peace
For myself first
And then all others in my life,

Louis Alloro, M.Ed., MAPP
Helping individuals and organizations GROW
www.CoachLouis.com

PS. Thank you all for your wonderful Easter wishes. It was an amazing day. My cousin Caren modeled great Social-Emotional Leadership by bringing old photo albums and letters, mainly those that were written to her thirty years ago by mother. Caren was living in California, my family remained on the east coast, and my twin sister and I had just been born. The best part for me is that I got to experience my mother in a different light for sure, even with her sitting right there reading along with us. We sat outside for hours passing letters and photos, laughing – a great way to build positive emotion and savor. Thanks Caren! I’m grateful for you, cuz.

I’m getting ready to spend Easter with my family today. Deep breaths. While I’m excited to see them, I’m a bit apprehensive. It was two years ago that I launched my life’s work really - the creation of Social-Emotional Leadership - the idea that groups change when people within those groups stand up and say, “Hey guys, we can do better.”  Two years ago, I started  my “research” into being a Social-Emotional Leader with my own family, on Easter. It was simple: I organized a Nintendo Wii tennis tournament, which took the place of the normal and excessive eating and drinking that plague my amazing Italian family where too much of a good thing is never enough. It was a great day. Positive emotion, like joy, really does a lot to create a culture different from the mundane norm (at least in my family).

It’s been an interesting two years since. I wish I could say that everything is perfect. That my family is healed and we are once again fully alive.

But that is not the truth. The truth is we are different than we were back then. Better? Eh-debatable. I’ve learned that being a Social-Emotional Leader is hard. It take time and grit (passion + perseverance).  It means identifying negative patterns and loving (not hating) them. It means loving the people they affect, not hating them. The truth is we are all influenced by each other, affected by each other. We are all similar, especially our biological clans. Being a Social-Emotional Leader means picturing a different, more positive future. It means asking new questions and staying the course.

So the course for me in the next 24 hours is going to be to set up another game tournament, to get everyone playing, and to do a lot of positive-emotion generating activity. I’m going to really connect with my family this year. This is my intention. This is my choice.

I’m going to think love. Think joy. Think pink (hey it’s Easter!). Think NOW.

It’s simple: successful people think differently. This is why Sandra Bullock won the Oscar. Sure, she’s a good actor and had an amazing opportunity with _The Blind Side_ , a powerful story about an emotionally evolving character. Bullock had a believable performance, grounded in a level of authenticity and transparency that we can all benefit from incorporating more of into our lives.

* But how did she get that part? How did she win? *

In Positive Psychology we call it GRIT - the passion AND perseverance required to achieve long-term goals. Gritty people are successful because they triumph through tribulations and keep their eyes on the prizes. The Beatles are a great example. It’s been said that they logged more hours playing in Germany’s red light district clubs by the time they were 21 years old than most musicians do in a lifetime. This came from the conscious decision they made to be the best - to do what they’re called here to do, in their case create great music, and to keep their eyes (together) on the prizes.

* Have you made the conscious decision to be your best? *

University of Michigan author Robert Quinn, author of one of my favorite books, _Building the Bridge As You Walk on It: A Guide to Leading Change_ says that the fundamental state of leadership is the ability to increase our levels of our personal integrity, daily. It’s also what spiritual teacher Don Miguel Ruiz marks as one of _The Four Agreements_ - trying our best realizing that our best is different each day.

* Are you a leader in your own life? *

There’s scientific evidence to suggest we focus more on what’s wrong, the problem, then on what’s right: the possibilities. It’s called the negativity bias. We all suffer from this as a collective condition of human nature that may be getting in the way of people really giving it their all. Neurobiologically, this condition is engrained in who we are and in how our brains may normally function. Thus, it’s necessary to do mental calisthenics in identifying and challenging some of these often subconscious belief systems that are getting in the way of us being our best – which will lead to our true and authentic success.

Consider GRIT is why Sandra Bullock won the Oscar and what made the Beatles one of the best bands of all time. University of Pennsylvania researcher Angela Duckworth has shown it is grit that better predicts academic success in students (even more than IQ!) and what keeps West Point cadets through their first years of intense training.

* What’s getting in the way for you? Ready to be “grittier”? *

I am! Good news is: there are proven ways to do this.